my mind is disconnected but my heart is wired

i miss her so much

i wonder if she misses me as much as i miss her…

1. i love shenanigans. the word and carrying out its meaning. for example: i want to skinnydip in paradise pond….

2. i cannot stand not having someone to cuddle and kiss, etc. its the worst.

3. i overuse smilies

4. i have an irrational intense fear of rejection

5. over the summer i have developed a love of coconut rum

6. i have a thing for older women

7. in one year i have gone from an A to a DD. i hate it. its so annoying.

8. after 18 years of life, i still have not a fucking clue how to flirt

9. i’m worried i’m going to be in a kind of competition with one of my new smith friends…. she will inevitably win because she is gorgeous and confidend. fml.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

I kind of wish that I had applied for JC this year

next year…i really want to

so i’m playing middle (wo)man with allie and maria. both my friends, awesome, beautiful, intelligent, driven, young women. they are so cute in their nervous excited new liking each other and i’m proud to be playing matchmaker for them

I AM SUCH AN AWFUL FRIEND

i am so fucking jealous of the, mutual-ness, cuteness, happiness, beauty, and perfection of this whole thing.

shit like this never works out for me

fuck

my 

life

y’know what?! fuck that

i like you and you like me, we’re sleeping together, we spend nearly every day together and when we’re not together we’re texting each other. so really when you’re friend asks “are you guys dating? or are you just friends?” dont fucking say “NO we’re not dating”. that is just disrespectful to our ‘relationship’. yes, we’re not ‘in a relationship’ facebook style or girlfriends, but we have a fucking relationship. i understand that you dont like titles and have spent the past 8 years of your life in a relationship, but what the fuck is that supposed to me to me?! you have expectations for me, and you do for when i go to college. but really, when theres an opportunity at school what am i supposed to say?! “i’m single—i dont have a girlfriend, i’m not even dating anyone, and i want to, but no, nothing can happen cause my ‘friend’ doesnt want me to”

i understand and want to respect you and your feelings. i also really like you. but the bottom line is that i am in this too. and it hurts me.

my tummy is giving me a nice little reminder that i can’t eat fries. it is not happy.

also i don’t know who the fuck used my laptop when i was out for two days, but its fucking dirty. wtf.

is to be in her bed. and be the little spoon <3 

oh and maybe some crab rangoon

and kisses

things/complaints

• i really need to fucking lose weight. or at least inches.
• i need to tone up my arms and get my legs back to all muscle
• i need to find a way to make my boobs smaller. 34DD=not okay with me. they are just too big.
• i need to start stretching more on my own time. get my flexibility up to par for dance
• i need to start reading again. not only have i been lazy, but i feel unintelligent for not reading more
• i need to find ways to see the people i want to before i leave
• i need to get more underwear/bras. i have too many that i need to get rid of.
• i need to find a way to make my own money cause refilling my wardrobe is expensive (nothing fits anymore cause my boobs decided to go from an A to a DD in just over a year. fml)
• i just need to get to smith already so i can start living and figure shit out by experiencing it and seeing what happens. i keep putting a start to all my changes of when i go to smith. i just gotta make it happen

• lack of older friends: the firsties i’m meeting seem awesome. truly. however, all but 2 of my home friends are older than me by 1 to 6 years. i’m worried that my being a firstie will deter upperclasswomen from wanting to be my friend. i dont know how rational this is.
• im gonna say this flat out: i’m worried that girls wont like me/be interested in me. yup. i said it. big fear of mine.
• grades: i’m not a good enough writer. i don’t know what the classes will be like.

i still dont have a fucking clue how to really use tumblr

i guess i’ll ask smithies for help when i get there